Connecting With Your Preteen

As your child approaches the teen years and becomes more = independent,=20 staying connected may seem like more of a challenge. But it's as = important=20 as ever - maybe even more so now.

While activities at school, new interests, and a burgeoning = social life=20 become more important to your growing child, you are still home = base,=20 providing love, guidance, and support.

And that connection to you will provide a sense of security and = build=20 the resilience your child needs to roll with life's ups and = downs.

What to Expect

Your preteen may act as if your guidance isn't welcome or = needed, and=20 even seem embarrassed by you at times. This is when kids start to = confide=20 more in peers and request their space and privacy - expect the = bedroom=20 door to be shut more often.

As difficult as it may be to swallow all these changes, try not = to take=20 them personally. They're all signs of your child's growing = independence.=20 You're going to have to loosen the ties and allow some growing = room. But=20 you don't have to let go entirely. You're still a powerful = influence -=20 it's just that your preteen may be more responsive to the example = you set=20 rather than the instructions you give. So practice what you'd like = to=20 preach, just preach it a little less for now.

Modeling the qualities that you want your preteen to learn and = practice=20 - respectful communication, kindness, healthy eating, and = fulfilling=20 everyday responsibilities without complaining - makes it more = likely that=20 your son or daughter will comply.

What You Can Do

Small, simple things can reinforce connection. Make room in = your=20 schedule for special times, take advantage of the routines you = already=20 share, and show that you care.

Here are some tips:

Family Meals: It may seem like drudgery to = prepare=20 a meal, particularly after a long day. But a shared family meal = provides=20 valuable together time. So schedule it and organize it just as = you would=20 any other activity. Even if you have to pick up something = pre-made, sit=20 down together to eat it. Turn off the TV and try to tune out the = ringing=20 phone. If it's impossible to do every night, schedule a regular = weekly=20 family dinner night that accommodates your child's schedule. = Make it=20 something fun, and get everyone involved in the preparation and = the=20 cleanup. Sharing an activity helps build closeness and = connection, and=20 everyone pitching in reinforces a sense of responsibility and = teamwork.=20
Bedtime and Goodnight: Your child may not = need to=20 be tucked in anymore, but maintaining a consistent bedtime = routine helps=20 your preteen get the sleep needed to grow healthy and strong. So = work in=20 some winding-down time together before the lights go out. Read = together.=20 Go over the highlights of the day and talk about tomorrow. And = even if=20 your preteen has outgrown the tuck-in routine, there's still a = place for=20 a goodnight kiss or hug. If it's shrugged off, try a gentle hand = on the=20 shoulder or back as you wish your child a good night's sleep.=20
Share Ordinary Time: Find little things = that let=20 you just hang out together. Invite your preteen to come with you = to walk=20 the dog. Invite yourself along on his or her run. Washing the = car,=20 baking cookies, renting movies, watching a favorite TV show - = all are=20 opportunities to enjoy each other's company. And they're chances = for=20 your child to talk about what's on his or her mind. Even riding = in the=20 car is an opportunity to connect. When you're driving, your = preteen may=20 be more inclined to mention a troubling issue. Since you're = focused on=20 the road, he or she doesn't have to make eye contact, which can = ease any=20 discomfort about opening up.=20
Create Special Time: Make a tradition out = of=20 celebrating family milestones beyond birthdays and holidays. = Marking=20 smaller occasions like a good report card or a winning soccer = game helps=20 reinforce family bonds.=20
Show Affection: Don't underestimate the = value of=20 saying and showing how much you love your preteen. Doing so = ensures that=20 your child feels secure and loved. And you're demonstrating = healthy ways=20 of showing affection. That said, your son or daughter may start = to feel=20 self-conscious about big displays of affection from you, = especially in=20 public. Your child may pull away from your hug and kiss, but = it's not=20 about you. Just reserve this type of affection for times when = friends=20 aren't around. And in public, find other ways to show that you = care. A=20 smile or a wave can convey a warm send-off while respecting = boundaries.=20 Recognize out loud your child's wonderful qualities and = developing=20 skills when you see them. You might say, "That's a beautiful = drawing -=20 you're really very artistic" or "You were amazing at baseball = practice=20 today - I loved watching you out there."=20
Stay Involved: Stay involved in your = preteen's=20 expanding pursuits. Getting involved gives you more time = together and=20 shared experiences. You don't have to be the Scout leader, = homeroom mom,=20 or soccer coach to be involved. And your child may want to do = more=20 activities where you're not in charge. That's OK. Go to games = and=20 practices when you can; when you can't, ask how things went and = listen=20 attentively. Help your child talk through the disappointments, = and be=20 sympathetic about the missed fly ball that won the game for the = other=20 team. Your attitude about setbacks will teach your preteen to = accept and=20 feel OK about them, and to summon the courage to try again.=20
Stay Interested: Stay interested and = curious about=20 your preteen's ideas, feelings, and experiences. If you listen = to what=20 he or she is saying, you'll get a better sense of the guidance,=20 perspective, and support needed. And responding in a = nonjudgmental way=20 means your child will be more likely to come to you anytime = tough issues=20 arise.

Reviewed by: D'Arcy Lyness, = PhD
Date=20 reviewed: January 2006