Helping Kids Cope With Stress

Kids get to play and they don't have jobs, but they still have = plenty=20 to worry about. Stress from things like school and social = situations can=20 feel overwhelming for kids, particularly if they don't have = healthy=20 strategies to cope with strong feelings and solve everyday = problems.

A recent KidsHealth=C2=AE KidsPoll showed that kids deal with = stress in both=20 healthy and unhealthy ways, and while they may not initiate a = conversation=20 about what's bothering them, they do want their parents to reach = out and=20 help them cope with their feelings.

But it's not always easy for parents to know how to connect = with a=20 child who's feeling stressed.

Here are a few ideas:

Notice out loud. Tell your child when you = notice=20 something he or she might be feeling. ("It seems like you're still = mad=20 about what happened at the playground"). This shouldn't sound like = an=20 accusation (as in, "OK, what happened now? Are you still mad about = that?")=20 or put a child on the spot. It's just a casual observation that = you're=20 interested in hearing more about your child's concern.

Listen to your child. Ask your child to tell = you=20 what's wrong. Listen attentively and calmly =E2=80=94 with = interest, patience,=20 openness, and caring. Avoid any urge to judge, blame, lecture, or = say what=20 you think your child should have done instead. The idea is to let = your=20 child's concerns (and feelings) be heard. Try to get the whole = story by=20 asking questions like "And then what happened?" Take your time. = And let=20 your child take his or her time, too.

Comment briefly on the feelings you think your child = was=20 experiencing. For example, you might say "That must have = been=20 upsetting," "No wonder you felt mad when they wouldn't let you in = the=20 game," or "That must have seemed unfair to you." Doing this shows = that you=20 understand what your child felt, why, and that you care. Feeling=20 understood and listened to helps your child feel connected to you, = and=20 that is especially important in times of stress.

Put a label on it. Many kids do not yet have = words for=20 their feelings. If your child seems angry or frustrated, use those = words=20 to help him or her learn to identify the emotions by name. Putting = feelings into words helps your child communicate and develop = emotional=20 awareness =E2=80=94 the ability to recognize his or her own = emotional states. A=20 child who can do so is less likely to reach the behavioral boiling = point=20 where strong emotions get demonstrated through behaviors rather = than=20 communicated with words.

Help your child think of things to do. Suggest = activities your child can do to feel better now and to solve the = problem=20 at hand. Encourage your child to think of a couple of ideas. You = can get=20 the brainstorm started if necessary, but don't do all the work. = Your=20 child's active participation will build confidence. Support the = good ideas=20 and add to them as needed. Ask, "How do you think this will work?" = Sometimes talking and listening and feeling understood is all = that's=20 needed to help a child's frustrations begin to melt away. Other = times try=20 changing the subject and moving on to something more positive and=20 relaxing. Don't give the problem more attention than it = deserves.

Just be there. Sometimes kids don't feel like = talking=20 about what's bothering them. Respect that, give your child space, = and=20 still make it clear that you'll be there when he or she does feel = like=20 talking. Even when kids don't communicate, they usually don't want = parents=20 to leave them alone. You can help your child feel better just by = being=20 there =E2=80=94 keeping him or her company, spending time = together. So if you=20 notice that your child seems to be down in the dumps, stressed, or = having=20 a bad day =E2=80=94 but doesn't feel like talking =E2=80=94 = initiate something you can do=20 together. Take a walk, watch a movie, shoot some hoops, or bake = some=20 cookies. Isn't it nice to know that your presence really = counts?

Be patient. As a parent, it hurts to see your = child=20 unhappy or worried. But try to resist the urge to fix every = problem.=20 Instead, focus on helping your child, slowly but surely, grow into = a good=20 problem-solver =E2=80=94 a kid who knows how to roll with life's = ups and downs,=20 put feelings into words, calm down when needed, and bounce back to = try=20 again.

Remember that you can't fix everything, and that you won't be = there to=20 solve every problem as your child goes through life. But by = teaching=20 healthy coping strategies, you prepare your child to manage = whatever=20 stresses come in the future.

Reviewed by: D'Arcy Lyness, = PhD
Date=20 reviewed: February 2006