Nine Steps to More Effective Parenting

Nine Steps to More Effective = Parenting

Raising children is one of the toughest and most fulfilling = jobs in the=20 world - and the one for which you may feel the least prepared. = Here are=20 nine ways to tackle child-rearing responsibilities that can help = you feel=20 more fulfilled as a parent - and enjoy your child more, too.

3D"Step

Nurture your child's self-esteem.
Children = start=20 developing their sense of self as babies when they see themselves = through=20 their parents' eyes. Your tone of voice, your body language, and = your=20 every expression are absorbed by your child. Your words and = actions as a=20 parent affect your child's developing self-esteem=20 more than anything else. Praising your child's accomplishments, = however=20 small, will make him or her feel proud; letting your child do = things=20 independently will make him or her feel capable and strong. By = contrast,=20 belittling comments or comparing your child unfavorably with = another will=20 make him or her feel worthless.

Avoid making loaded statements or using words as weapons. = Comments like=20 "What a stupid thing to do!" or "You act more like a baby than = your little=20 brother!" cause damage just as physical blows do. Choose your = words=20 carefully and be compassionate. Let your child know that everyone = makes=20 mistakes and that you still love him or her, even when you don't = love his=20 or her behavior.

3D"Step

Catch your child being good.
Have you ever = stopped=20 to think about how many times you react negatively to your child = in a=20 given day? You may find that you are criticizing far more than you = are=20 complimenting. How would you feel about a boss who treated you = with that=20 much negative guidance, even if it was well-intentioned?

The more effective approach is to catch your child doing = something=20 right: "You made your bed without being asked - that's terrific!" = or "I=20 was watching you play with your sister and you were very patient." = These=20 statements will do more to encourage good behavior over the long = run than=20 repeated scoldings. Make a point of finding something to praise = every day.=20 Be generous with rewards - your love, hugs, and compliments can = work=20 wonders and are often reward enough. Soon you will find you are = "growing"=20 more of the behavior you would like to see.

3D"Step

Set limits and be consistent with your=20 discipline.
Discipline is necessary in every = household. The=20 goal of discipline is to help children choose acceptable behaviors = and=20 learn self-control. Children may test the limits you establish for = them,=20 but they need those limits to grow into responsible adults. = Establishing=20 house rules will help children understand your expectations and = develop=20 self-control. Some house rules might include: no TV=20 until homework is done, and no hitting,=20 name-calling, or hurtful teasing is allowed.

You may want to have a system in place: one warning, followed = by=20 consequences such as a "time out" or loss of privileges. A common = mistake=20 parents make is failure to follow through with consequences when = rules are=20 broken. You can't discipline a child for talking back one day and = ignore=20 it the next. Being consistent teaches your child what you = expect.

3D"Step

Make time for your children.
With so many = demands=20 on your time, it's often difficult for parents and children to get = together for a family meal, let alone spend some quality time = together.=20 But there is probably nothing your child would like more. Get up = 10=20 minutes earlier in the morning so you can eat breakfast with your = child,=20 or leave the dishes in the sink and take a walk after dinner. = Children who=20 are not getting the attention they want from their parents often = act out=20 or misbehave because they are assured of being noticed that = way.

Many parents find it mutually rewarding to have prescheduled = time with=20 their child on a regular basis. Create a "special night" each week = to be=20 together and let him or her help decide how you will spend your = time. Look=20 for other ways to connect with your child - put a note or = something=20 special in his or her lunchbox.

Adolescents seem to need less undivided attention from their = parents=20 than younger children. Because there are fewer windows of = opportunity for=20 parents and teens to get together, parents should do their best to = be=20 available when their teen does express a desire to talk or = participate in=20 family activities. Attending concerts, games, and other events = with your=20 teen communicates caring and lets you get to know about your child = and his=20 or her friends in important ways.

Don't feel guilty if you're a working parent. It is the many = little=20 things you do with your child - making popcorn, playing cards, = window=20 shopping - that he or she will remember.

3D"Step

Be a good role model.
Young children learn = a great=20 deal about how to act by watching you. The younger they are, the = more cues=20 they take from you. Before you lash out or blow your top in front = of your=20 child, think about this: is that how you want your child to behave = when he=20 or she is angry? Be constantly aware that you are being observed = by your=20 children. Studies have shown that children who hit usually have a = role=20 model for aggression at home.

Model the traits you wish to cultivate in your child: respect,=20 friendliness, honesty, kindness, tolerance. Exhibit unselfish = behavior. Do=20 things for other people without expecting a reward. Express thanks = and=20 offer compliments. Above all, treat your children the way you = expect other=20 people to treat you.

3D"Step

Make communication a priority.
You can't = expect=20 children to do everything simply because you, as a parent, "say = so."=20 Children want and deserve explanations as much as adults do. If we = don't=20 take time to explain, children will begin to wonder about our = values and=20 motives and whether they have any basis. Parents who reason with = their=20 children allow them to understand and learn in a nonjudgmental = way.

Make your expectations clear. If there is a problem, describe = it to=20 your child, express your feelings about it, and invite your child = to work=20 on a solution with you. Be sure to include consequences. Make = suggestions=20 and offer choices. Be open to your child's suggestions as well. = Negotiate.=20 Children who participate in decisions are more motivated to carry = them=20 out.

3D"Step

Be flexible and willing to adjust your parenting=20 style.
If you frequently feel "let down" by your = child's=20 behavior, it may be because you have unrealistic expectations. = Parents who=20 think in "shoulds" (for example, "He or she = should be=20 potty-trained by now") may find it helpful to do more reading on = the=20 matter or to talk to other parents or child development = specialists.

Your child's environment has an impact on his or her behavior, = so you=20 may be able to modify that behavior by changing the environment. = If you=20 find yourself constantly saying "no" to your 2-year-old, look for = ways to=20 restructure his or her surroundings so that fewer things are = off-limits.=20 This will cause less frustration for both of you.

As your child changes, you will gradually have to change your = parenting=20 style. Chances are, what works with your child now won't work as = well in a=20 year or two.

Teenagers tend to look less to their parents and more to their = peers=20 for role models. But continue to provide guidance, encouragement, = and=20 appropriate discipline while allowing your teen to earn more = independence.=20 And seize every available moment to make a connection!

3D"Step

Show that your love is unconditional.
As a = parent,=20 you are responsible for correcting and guiding your child. But how = you=20 express your corrective guidance makes all the difference in how = your=20 child receives it. When you have to confront your child, avoid = blaming,=20 criticizing, or fault-finding, which undermine self-esteem and can = lead to=20 resentment. Instead, strive to nurture and encourage, even when = you are=20 disciplining your child. Make sure he or she knows that although = you want=20 and expect better next time, your love is there no matter = what.

3D"Step

Be aware of your own needs and limitations as a=20 parent.
Face it - you are an imperfect parent. You = have=20 strengths and weaknesses as a family leader. Recognize your = abilities - "I=20 am loving and dedicated." Vow to work on your weaknesses - "I need = to be=20 more consistent with discipline." Try to have realistic = expectations for=20 yourself, your spouse, and your children. You don't have to have = all the=20 answers - be forgiving of yourself. And try to make parenting a = manageable=20 job. Focus on the areas that need the most attention rather than = trying to=20 address everything all at once. Admit it when you're burned out. = Take time=20 out from parenting to do things that will make you happy as a = person (or=20 as a couple). Focusing on your needs does not make you selfish. It = simply=20 means you care about your own well-being, which is another = important value=20 to model for your children.

Reviewed by: Wayne Ho, MD
Date = reviewed:=20 August 2004
Originally reviewed by: Wayne = Adams,=20 PhD