Sibling Rivalry

"Dad, she's in my room getting into my things again!"

"Mom, he won't stop annoying me!"

"Me first! Me first! Me first!"

Sound familiar? If you have more than one child, the answer is = probably=20 "yes," because these are the sounds of sibling rivalry = or=20 sibling conflict.

While many kids are lucky enough to become the best of friends = with=20 their siblings, it's very common for brothers and sisters to = fight. (It's=20 also common for them to swing back and forth between adoring and = detesting=20 one other!)

Often, sibling rivalry starts even before the second child is = born, and=20 continues as the kids grow and compete for everything from toys to = attention. As kids reach different stages of development, their = evolving=20 needs can significantly affect how they relate to one another.

It can be frustrating and upsetting to watch =E2=80=94 and hear = =E2=80=94 your kids=20 fight with one another. A household that's full of conflict is = stressful=20 for everyone. Yet often it's hard to know how to stop the = fighting, and or=20 even whether you should get involved at all. But you can take = steps to=20 promote peace in your household and help your kids get along.

Why Do My Kids Fight?

Many different things can cause siblings to fight. Most = brothers=20 and sisters experience some degree of jealousy or competition, and = this=20 can flare into squabbles and bickering. But other factors also = might=20 influence how often kids fight and how severe the fighting gets. = These=20 include:

Evolving needs. It's natural for kids' = changing=20 needs, anxieties, and identities to affect how they relate to = one=20 another. For example, toddlers are naturally protective of their = toys=20 and belongings, and are learning to assert their will, which = they'll do=20 at every turn. So if a baby brother or sister picks up the = toddler's=20 toy, the older child may react aggressively. School-age kids = often have=20 a strong concept of fairness and equality, so might not = understand why=20 siblings of other ages are treated differently or feel like one = child=20 gets preferential treatment. Teenagers, on the other hand, are=20 developing a sense of individuality and independence, and might = resent=20 helping with household responsibilities, taking care of younger=20 siblings, or even having to spend time together. All of these=20 differences can influence the way kids fight with one another.=20
Individual temperaments. Your kids' = individual=20 temperaments =E2=80=94 including mood, disposition, and = adaptability =E2=80=94 and their=20 unique personalities play a large role in how well they get = along. For=20 example, if one child is laid back and another is easily = rattled, they=20 may often get into it. Similarly, a child who is especially = clingy and=20 drawn to parents for comfort and love might be resented by = siblings who=20 see this and want the same amount of attention.=20
Special needs/sick kids. Sometimes, a=20 child's special needs due to illness or learning/emotional = issues=20 may require more parental time. Other kids may pick up on this = disparity=20 and act out to get attention or out of fear of what's = happening to=20 the other child.=20
Role models. The way that parents resolve = problems=20 and disagreements sets a strong example for kids. So if you and = your=20 spouse work through conflicts in a way that's respectful, = productive,=20 and not aggressive, you increase the chances that your children = will=20 adopt those tactics when they run into problems with one = another. If=20 your kids see you routinely shout, slam doors, and loudly argue = when you=20 have problems, they're likely to pick up those bad habits = themselves.=20

What Can I Do When the Fighting Starts?

While it may be common for brothers and sisters to fight, it's=20 certainly not pleasant for anyone in the house. And a family can = only=20 tolerate a certain amount of conflict. So what should you do when = the=20 fighting starts?

Whenever possible, don't get=20 involved. Step in only if there's a danger of physical = harm. If=20 you always intervene, you risk creating other problems. The kids = may start=20 expecting your help and wait for you to come to the rescue rather=20 than learning to work out the problems on their own. There's = also the=20 risk that you =E2=80=94 inadvertently =E2=80=94 make it appear to = one child that another=20 is always being "protected," which could foster even more = resentment. By=20 the same token, rescued kids may feel that they can get away with = more=20 because they're always being "saved" by a parent.

If you're concerned by the language used or name-calling, it's=20 appropriate to "coach" kids through what they're feeling by using=20 appropriate words. This is different from intervening or = stepping in=20 and separating the kids.

Even then, encourage them to resolve the crisis themselves. If = you do=20 step in, try to resolve problems with your kids, = not for=20 them.

When getting involved, here are some steps to consider:

Separate kids until they're calm. Sometimes it's best just = to give=20 them space for a little while and not immediately rehash the = conflict.=20 Otherwise, the fight can escalate again. If you want to make = this a=20 learning experience, wait until the emotions have died down.=20
Don't put too much focus on figuring out which child is to = blame. It=20 takes two to fight =E2=80=94 anyone who is involved is partly = responsible.=20
Next, try to set up a "win-win" situation so that each = child=20 gains something. When they both want the same toy, perhaps = there's a=20 game they could play together instead.

Remember, as kids cope with disputes, they also learn important = skills=20 that will serve them for life =E2=80=94 like how to value another = person's=20 perspective, how to compromise and negotiate, and how to control=20 aggressive impulses.

Helping Kids Get Along

Simple things you can do every day to prevent fighting = include:

Set ground rules for acceptable behavior. Tell the kids that = there's no cursing, no name-calling, no yelling, no door = slamming.=20 Solicit their input on the rules =E2=80=94 as well as the = consequences when they=20 break them. This teaches kids that they're responsible for = their=20 own actions, regardless of the situation or how provoked they = felt, and=20 discourages any attempts to negotiate regarding who was "right" = or=20 "wrong."=20
Don't let kids make you think that everything always has to = be=20 "fair" and "equal" =E2=80=94 sometimes one kid needs more than = the other.=20
Be proactive in giving your kids one-on-one attention = directed to=20 their interests and needs. For example, if one likes to go = outdoors,=20 take a walk or go to the park. If another child likes to sit and = read,=20 make time for that too.=20
Make sure kids have their own space and time to do their own = thing =E2=80=94=20 to play with toys by themselves, to play with friends without a = sibling=20 tagging along, or to enjoy activities without having to share = 50-50.=20
Show and tell your kids that, for you, love is not something = that=20 comes with limits.=20
Let them know that they are safe, important, and needed, and = that=20 their needs will be met.=20
Have fun together as a family. Whether you're watching a = movie,=20 throwing a ball, or playing a board game, you're establishing a = peaceful=20 way for your kids to spend time together and relate to each = other. This=20 can help ease tensions between them and also keeps you involved. = Since=20 parental attention is something many kids fight over, fun family = activities can help reduce conflict.=20
If your children frequently squabble over the same things = (such as=20 video games or dibs on the TV remote), post a schedule showing = which=20 child "owns" that item at what times during the week. (But if = they keep=20 fighting about it, take the "prize" away altogether.)=20
If fights between your school-age children are frequent, = hold weekly=20 family meetings in which you repeat the rules about fighting and = review=20 past successes in reducing conflicts. Consider = establishing a=20 program where the kids earn points toward a fun family-oriented = activity=20 when they work together to stop battling.=20
Recognize when kids just need time apart from each = other and=20 the family dynamics. Try arranging separate play dates or = activities for=20 each kid occasionally. And when one child is on a play date, you = can=20 spend one-on-one time with another.

Keep in mind that sometimes kids fight to get a parent's = attention. In=20 that case, consider taking a time-out of your own. When you leave, = the=20 incentive for fighting is gone. Also, when your own fuse is = getting short,=20 consider handing the reins over to the other parent, = whose patience=20 may be greater at that moment.

Getting Professional Help

In a small percentage of families, the conflict between = brothers and=20 sisters is so severe that it disrupts daily functioning, or = particularly=20 affects kids emotionally or psychologically. In those cases, it's = wise to=20 get help from a mental health professional. Seek help for sibling = conflict=20 if it:

is so severe that it's leading to marital problems=20
creates a real danger of physical harm to any family member=20
is damaging to the self-esteem or psychological well-being = of any=20 family member=20
may be related to another psychiatric disorder, such as = depression=20

If you have questions about your kids' fighting, talk with your = doctor,=20 who can help you determine whether your family might benefit from=20 professional help and refer you to local mental health = resources.

Reviewed by: Dan Harkness, PhD, LMFT, and = Jennifer=20 Shroff Pendley, PhD
Date reviewed: August = 2006